MOVIE REVIEW: "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra"

MOVIE REVIEW:

"G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra" (2009)

Rated PG-13. 118 mins. Colour. USA. In theaters at time of review posted.

WARNING: May contain spoilers..........aw hell, I'm not gonna lie to you. It DOES contain spoilers. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------
CREDITS:

Directed by Stephen Sommers

Produced by Lorenzo di Bonaventura, Bob Ducsay, and Brian Goldner

Written by Stuart Beattie, David Elliot, and Paul Lovett (screenplay); Michael B. Gordon, Stuart Beattie, and Stephen Sommers (story)

Based on the Hasbro toy line, comic books, and animated series of the same name.


Starring, with the Joes:

Dennis Quaid as General Clayton Abernathy / Hawk - Charismatic leader. Still retains the awesome from the cartoon.

Channing Tatum as Conrad Hauser / Duke - Jarhead who used to fuck Baroness. Main character.

Rachel Nichols as Shana M. O'Hara / Scarlett - Lovely redheaded genius girl. Ripcord hits that at the end of the film. 

Ray Park as Snake Eyes - Mute ninja. 

Marlon Wayans as Wallace Weems / Ripcord - Pilot, sidekick and comic relief. Loves white wimminz. 

Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje as Hershel Dalton / Heavy Duty - Another black dude. Looks like he eats tigers.

Saïd Taghmaoui as Abel Shaz / Breaker - Computer hacking Moroccan. Loves Dubble Bubble.

Karolína Kurková as Courtney A. Kreiger / Cover Girl - Hawk's concubine. Becomes an hero.

Brendan Fraser as Sergeant Stone - Forgotten actor. No relevance whatsoever.


Also starring, are the Cobras:

Christopher Eccleston as James McCullen / Destro - Arms-dealing Scotsman turned Doctor Doom wannabe. Sounds like Scrooge McDuck.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Rex Lewis / The Doctor / Cobra Commander - Main villain of the movie and bioengineered nanotechnology. Used to be the Baroness's brother who supposedly died four years ago. Yeah, I spoiled it just now. Sue me.

Sienna Miller as Ana Lewis / Anastacia DeCobray / The Baroness - Evil brunette chick (sans accent) who used to be blonde and not evil. Is related to both the hero and the villain. Go figure.

Lee Byung-hun as Thomas Arashikage / Storm Shadow - Japanese ninja who is basically the evil version of Snake Eyes, seeing as they both trained together. Was actually played by a Korean.

Arnold Vosloo as Zartan - Master of disguise and all-around retard. Whistles "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" constantly and is now Obama.


And finally, Jonathan Pryce as the President of the United States. Yes, Obama is still a white man in this movie. And apparently an impostor by the end of the movie.


Music by Alan Silvestri

Cinematography by Mitchell Amundsen

Editing by Bob Ducsay and Jim May
 
Distributed by Paramount Pictures

(Info from Wikipedia.org)

----------------------------------------------------------------------
REVIEW KEY:
A = This movie is awesome and is a must-see. Proof that there is a God.
B = This movie is pretty good. Good to watch on matinee.
C = Average movie. Has its good and bad points. Rentable.
D = This movie is basically run-of-the-mill and not very noteworthy. Save it for the dollar theater.
F = Avoid this movie, for it is a bomb. Proof that there is no God.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

SPOILER-FREE SYNOPSIS:  

An elite military unit comprised of special operatives known as G.I. Joe, operating out of The Pit, takes on an evil organization led by a notorious arms dealer.
(Synopsis from IMDB.com.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------- 

SPOILER FILLED REVIEW: 

Ok, let me get this out of the way. I'm not much of a fan of "G.I. Joe". I was born in the late 80s, so I rarely watched the cartoon growing up, but I do have a general knowledge of the plot and characters, so I'm not totally clueless on the subject.

The movie starts in the past, back in France about 400 years ago. McCullen's ancestor get caught trying to sell arms to both sides and is punished by wearing a metal mask for the rest of his natural life. Fast-forward to the present. Apparently, the current McCullen, also an arms dealer, still holds his ancestor's grudge and does the same shit for profit. He runs M.A.R.S., a weapons and defense manufacturer, and he tries to sell warheads manufactured with nanotechnology to NATO, which he succeeds.

Note: Nanobots, when activated, can eat through anything. So, when a warhead is fired at something (like a tank), the nanobots will be released upon impact and will disintergrate the tank until it's gone. To prevent nanobots from eating unwanted material, just deactivate them via remote control. They also cannot live above the Earth's atmosphere. And now you know, and knowing is half the battle! 

Cut to Duke, all-American tough guy and hero of the movie. He and his sidekick Ripcord are on a mission to transport the warheads to NATO, but shit goes wrong when Baroness and Storm Shadow come out of nowhere with a number of henchmen and begin to fuck shit up. After a brief confrontation, Duke notices that the Baroness was his ex-fiancee Ana and that the villains fail to steal the warheads. As the villains disappear from the scene, it is revealed that the mastermind of the attack was McCullen himself, who ordered his subordinates to steal back the warheads in hopes of conning NATO out of their money. It is also revealed that the henchmen are infused with The Doctor's nanotechnology (the same kind used for the warheads) in order to give them superhuman strength as well as obedience and termination if they didn't work out as planned.

After the initial conflict, Duke and Ripcord are confronted by Hawk, who takes custody of the warheads and trains them into becoming Joes. They meet the other Joes, and then via tracking device on the warhead case, the villains attack the Joes' base hidden in the Sahara. After that battle, the villains steal back the warheads and decide to go to Paris, France in order to activate the nanobots housed in the warheads. Duke's backstory relating to the Baroness is shown, showing that her brother Rex was with Duke four years ago at Afghanistan while fighting terrorists. Needless to say, Rex was caught in a bombing and was presumed dead. Duke feels guilty, doesn't confront Ana, and as a result, Ana becomes an emotional wreck and remarries a French scientist. As for her turning evil, I'll get to that in a bit.

The Joes chase the villains down to Paris, where they plan to fire a warhead at the Eiffel Tower in order to trigger a chain reaction to destroy the city in one fell swoop. The warheads get activated (reluctantly) by the Baroness's husband (who gets killed by Storm Shadow right after) and the Joes pursue the pair via automobile and supersuits. Duke and Ripcord get outfitted in said suits and they chase down the pair through the streets of Paris. After the long chase, the warhead is fired and the tower is hit, but was soon deactivated by Duke to prevent total damage. Also, the streets of Paris are a mess due to the chase and the Joes are blamed for it. Duke is taken to the villains' secret base hidden deep underwater in Antarctica while the rest of the Joes are detained by French authorities.

Ok...I'm tired, so I'll sum the end up. President hides away, but gets replaced by Zartan; the Joes infiltrate the villain base; Hawk doesn't die after an assassination attempt; Ripcord flies a plane, destroys the warheads that were fired, and gets the girl; and Duke learns that Rex was the Doctor all along (he survived) and had brainwashed Ana into being evil. One epic battle and escape later, the Doctor becomes Cobra Commander and McCullen becomes Destro, with mask and all, like his ancestor. They get captured by the authorities, but Cobra swears vengance. And the President is a lie, for he's a jolly good fellow. 

All in all, a standard action movie with good effects and acting. Here's hoping the sequel will be just as good.

 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

PROS: Plenty of action, decent special effects, good use of the "G.I. Joe" license, and some funny moments here and there.

CONS: Longer than it should be, plot wasn't very inventive (but decent nontheless), liberties taken with the license, smells of sequelitis, and gets predictable at times (especially the ending...well, to me).

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

OVERVIEW: All in all, it's another action movie. It's not bad, but it's not exactly a masterpiece, either. I myself have found it within the same level as the first "Transformers" film: had appropriate action and effects and was a good adaptation of the original property. I recommend anyone who is either a "G.I. Joe" fan or an action junkie to check out this movie. Hey, you could do worse. (I'm still tormented by my memories of watching "Dragonball Evolution".)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

FINAL SCORE: B- (Not perfect, but hey, this movie was a good "G.I. Joe" story and deserves its due.)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Well...that's all for my review. If you have any comments or questions, feel free to leave em in this here blog. Thank you, good night, and if you're thinkin' 'bout my baby, it don't matter if you're black or white.

Bless,